Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
