I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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