I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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