you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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