I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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