i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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