Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
