Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
