She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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