so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
