i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
