'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
