I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
