I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
