The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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