I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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