You smell like a Billy Joel song
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize