mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
