Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
