I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
