Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
