Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
