If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
