I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
