we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
