I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
