Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
