Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
