I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
