she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
