yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
