Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
