Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
