i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
