I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize