Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
