I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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