Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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