Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
