I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
