I have demons in me.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
