thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you didnt know i had herpes?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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