A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
