Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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