At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
