Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
