I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
