Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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