Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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