I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
