No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
