3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
