I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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