people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
