I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
