don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
