Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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