I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
