Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
