he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Send help, water and tortillas.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
