In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
