I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Two words: nipple clamps
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