so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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