Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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