false alarm. still invincible.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
