Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
