im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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