Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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