so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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